What will happen tomorrow? What are the results? Is it still there? Will it be back? What if it happens again now? How real are these questions? Very real! So real in fact they remain in your life, for the rest of your life. Not many people will ever understand the passion that is accrued when you have cancer and most important, when you survive it. Passion will in many instances cause a lot of problems especially with people that do not quite understand it or have no passion at all for any thing. Well, when you have a second chance at life my friends, you become passionate about everything you do. See, as I have said before, lets say on a Monday ( which it actually was) you wake up full of life and hope. It is a beautifull day and the streets are full of people, coming and going to work or school. In my case I needed to go settle some matters of my apartment at the rental office. High Street, at the corner of E 16th, there was, like on every other corner, a wheel chair ramp. 16th was busy most of the time. I mean hundreds of people will cross High Street at 16th to go into the OSU campus. There was a big Pizzeria in one corner, the book store in the opposite and Kinko's next to the pizzeria. The other sidewalk was all OSU campus and to the front was the architectural building. Kinko's, if you went to school in my era you were a regular at your local Kinko's. 16th was also a mayor artery to the fraternity houses and other off campus apartments. 16th is in the middle of everything including when you wanted to cross the street from west to east you did that most likely at 16th. I have passed thru this street on my bike probably thousands of times during the years at OSU as do hundreds of other cyclists every day. On a good day I would probably take this ramp 4 times and on a bad one at least 2. As we say, my bike new the way, it was instinctive. As I am ridding that morning I approach 16th as I always did. I was on the road but it was time to get on the side walk and navigate thru the people crossing the street. As I did thousands of times I aimed for the ramp and looked ahead to avoid any pedestrians. One second later........."I was on my ass" instead of on my bike. It was busy at that time so lots of people saw what happened but not many offered help. I guess that is what students do. A couple of "are you alright" but no one stooped to attend to me. It was not necessary either I mean I was on my ass but I was fine. Not even scratched. As I sit there trying to compose my self, I started to wonder what the hell happened. I mean there was no way I missed that ramp. No way on earth I have been doing this for years!!!!! As I get up and pick up my bike, I start noticing that I can not focus very well. I felt fine but as I started to fix bent parts on my bike I continuously rub on my right eye. A few seconds later I feel just how sore my eye is and I become aware that I have been rubbing my eye for a long time now without noticing it. I am now aware of my eye but as I could still not focus I decide to cover my left eye and see what is going on. Well as it turned out it was history in the making. I had a gray, perfectly round, dark spot in my right eye that was exactly in the middle of my vision field. OHOH!!!! I am screwed and that is why I fell. I did not see the curb and I was focusing out of my left eye on a right turn. So there it is.......................right there on the corner of High Street, and E16th (south side) my life changed from that very second on. Everything was placed on hold. Moving out of my old apartment, settling in my new one, the contract issue, job interviews, additional classes, room mate search etc. etc. etc. I later learned as you know that there was more than that, meaning, dreams, future plans, ambitions, and most important LIFE itself!!!! Yes my friends it took only a few seconds, I bet not even a minute to discover what turned out to be cancer. Cancer yes, but not cancer the disease but rather Cancer the life changing journey!!! It takes a lot of self discipline to not be mad about it all the time especially when others among you will never ever understand or at least you feel that way. It's like an elite and secret club, you know it exists but never know the inside of it unless you are actually a member. In this case trust me you don't want to be a member and I pray to God every night that he finds that way of eliminating it from our lives. To be truthfull I always get an answer from him, and it is always the same, BALANCE (see previous post).
I have and will continue to be labeled in different ways, some good and some bad. My good will always be very good and my bad will probably always be very bad. Us survivors, we kind of know this and we understand it, but at the same time we can not control it. The reason.......very simple, "we just think we will die tomorrow, every single day". Maybe we are wrong, God willing, but maybe we are right and I guess when the time comes we will all find out. The thing is, that even as it sounds like something a person could solve easily, the truth is that it is not as simple. Well, why not? I mean there are many other cancer survivors that are not like that, and there are many others that have long term hope. You might even think, "but you are not sick anymore it was over years ago, and doctors and stats say you wont get again". All true, very true. I wish every day I could use my passion selectively for everything productive I do and not use it destructively when the issue is not productive. I find it very difficult, just because it is who I became, and it is who I am. Many of you might say "bullshit" that is just an excuse and a hiding place. Maybe you are 100% correct and maybe you are 100% wrong, in the end you choose what you want to believe as you pass judgement over my actions and convince your self that your judgement will never matter, as long as you don't contribute to helping me become a better a person. However, in a passionate way I will ask of you, not to judge me for my passion but rather for the end result of my actions, please forgive my passion but please understand my intent and finally, do not accept my apology because it is handed to you, but because you truly understand that someday passion might be the only way you could stay alive!!!!
I won't talk about my training or my ever growing fears today. After the above paragraph, which I had no idea I would write like that today or ever for that matter. I am pretty drained. It was a huge step. I think it was prompted by two distinct events. The first involved a good old friend who after knowing him practically all my life we are know training together and he wrote yesterday thru a text message "Sigo pendando como voy a nadar 2.4 rodar 112 y correr 26! No entiendo. No hay que ir a la iglesia o rezarle algun santo" "No se. Kennethe me dijo que le dejara eso a el, no se si va a buscarme una camilla con ruedas o un carrito de golf" Now, it may be logical but this guy is very fit and in shape so just imagine what I am thinking...... The second was Julissa who sent me a video I will share with you saying it reminded her of me. As I saw it...., I saw myself obviously not in riding but in life itself!!!! Please enjoy them both. For now....so long!!!!
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