March 23, 2011 "I WAS WRONG"

On my Feb 22 post I finish by expressing my true belief of why I got cured from cancer.  My faith in something bigger than all of us, someone who creates and manages the fragile balance of life and someone I placed my life in his hands once before.  It is funny I wrote on that post "except this time he has running shoes....."

Yes my friends I am an Ironman 70.3 finisher and yes I am extremely happy with my accomplishment.   However what happened on Saturday will go unnoticed by many but will be understood by a select few.  I told you I would not quit, and guess what, I did not.  It did not even pass my mind, but not because of me but because my faith and my trust in what kept me alive 19 years ago.  My love for life and everything in it and as faith will have it would be tested once again on the streets of old San Juan.

My event was pretty uneventfully although the first 500 meters of the swim were hard to come by as I was still battling a severe cold and I could not breathe easily.  However at about 500 meters I kind of missed a stroke and swallowed a wave of sea water whole.  Yes...... I took on all the water in that lagoon.  As I coughed and sneezed somehow my lungs got clear and in a few seconds I was back on my swim and feeling strong and comfortable.  I was aiming for a 40 minute swim with a worse case scenario of 45 minutes.  I left the water at 41 minutes according to my watch but the official time was 43 minutes.  So, for all intended purposes right on the money.  Who would know that a few seconds after I got out of the water the Ironman would eventually turn into a serious complication for me.  As I ran to T1 I felt how I hurt both of my feet while running thru the rough asphalt road that led to the stadium.  I felt it immediately and knew I still had 68 miles to go so I stoped and starting walking protecting my feet.  I finally arrive at T1 and got on my bike.  My right foot felt OK but my left foot had a little sting to it but no big deal.  I felt good on the bike and handled a couple of issues including a low seat.  I had to stop and fix it but no big deal.  I must say I felt alone on the bike, my mind was clear and I was concentrated on my plan even though I wanted and could  go faster.  But the plan was the plan.  I felt I had no help that morning I did not feel empty, I just felt alone.  They say the Ironman is an individual sport and it is true.

See I had a little talk with God that morning because I was a little mad at him.  As I got to transition to set up I was extremely nervous.  Nervous to the point I could not even screw in my CO2 cartridges which is a very easy thing to do.  It seems he was late that morning because I fumbled thru every step of setting up my transition.  I was extremely nervous and scared.  So.... as I left the stadium for the swim I had a little talk with him.  Our conversation was geared towards him not being there in transition and me being all nervous to the point I could not even think straight.  I mean I claimed my ground after, all this is a team!!!!.  I can tell he was listening, because as I walked over to the swim start I progressively got calmer and more confident to the point where 5 minutes before the start I was ready and in total control.  So as I started swimming I felt my teammate had finally arrived.  It happens, after all I am sure he had a lot of calls that morning at the same place.  No problem we were ready lets go!!!!

So as I am returning for T2 I am feeling solid.  I had hit my time marks of my plan every mile every step of the route.  The only thing was I could not take my last nutrition bottle because it was so warm it tasted like crap.  No problem I was feeling strong and in good shape.  So I get ready for dismount and enter T2.  So I arrive to T2, I take a seat, change my socks and get ready for my run.  2/3 of the Ironman done and I am feeling good.  As I finish T2 I get up and start running towards the exit.  KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!  HUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM!!!!!!  As soon I started running I could feel and knew that both my feet were blistered from the run earlier in the morning.  I stop to think for a minute but really nothing to be done but just go.  I kept my cool and started to run in 200-300 mts. intervals which was all I could do.  I did this for the first 3 miles and as I progressed I knew I was in real trouble and getting worse by the step.  I could feel the blisters getting bigger and filling with water and later I discovered with blood.  By the time I reached mile 4 I knew my race was over or at least my planned race.  I was know on survival mode and the only thing I could do was aim for an 8 hour finish.  As I got to the water station I had to make a decision.  A decision that will for a period of time be difficult and highly disappointing.  No more running, if I was going to reach the finish line it would have to be walking the 1/2 marathon.  As I progressed towards the turn around for the second loop my pain and problem progressed exponentially by the step.  As I reach the turn around, doubt settled in and only one question was on my mind.  Should I stop?  I was injured that is not the same as quiting is it?  SURE IT IS!!!!  It is because I was still on my feet standing.  Stoping would have been for my comfort not because I was physically impaired to continue.  However the pain was taking over.  So as I have said before, history would repeat it self.  All I could think was.....God here I am, as I was 19 years ago.  Not the same circumstances but the same feeling that I have to do what you want me to do.  I am here ready for whatever you decide, but it will be you and me because I can not go on alone.  Now, I want to clarify that no magical power occurs, no sudden burst of energy, in short no magic.  No that is not how it works.  Its a feeling, a feeling of companionship a feeling of belonging.  Pain, sure there it was as intense as ever but now, guess what, I was not alone any more, he was there with me and he was wearing running shoes.  I had my cheering section right there with me.  I decided right there I would finish, so I went on and started my second loop.  It took me 55 minutes to get to the far turnaround and as I did I knew I was on my way back, this time to the finish line.  By now my feet are just a mess and I am seriously hurt all the way to the bone on my foot.  As I passed the last water station my mind set changed from an 8 hour finish to just surviving to the finish line.  By now every step comes at a price and I am doing every thing in my power to accommodate my feet to avoid the pain of every step.  1.5 miles to go.  I stop at a bus stop bench as I had figured that if I took my compression socks off it might help drain some of the fluid from my blisters.  No logic to that but it was doing something to help relieve the pain.  As I took the first compression sock off, I took a peak at my foot and as I uncovered the foot I could see the bags full of blood and water.  I saw how big the blisters were and I realized just how much trouble I had on my hands.  I realized that if the skin decided to peel off on a step, that would be it.  No matter how close I was I would net be able to take another single step forward.  So I put my sock back on and off I went.  By the time I was 200mts from the finish line I could not take a step with out making a sound or taking a huge deep breath.  At that point all the emotion came crashing down, I mean there was just so much.  No one knew why I did not run the 1/2 marathon even as they would eventually find out but I was there just a few feet from ending this wonderful part of my journey.  I had proven to my kids that you can in fact do anything you put your mind to, I was greeted by Winter and Jochi at the finish line and felt whole as I had helped put the message out there about prostate cancer, Jochi placed the finisher medal around my neck, I was about to hug the most beautiful girl in the world, my Gabriela and I would be a 70.3 Ironman finisher.  I would thank my coach for taking on the task of getting me there and will embrace Julissa as my lifelong partner in good and bad.  However I did not want to cross until one thing was done.  God thank you, we did it one more time!!!!!.  I finally crossed.

It was a hard day but  full of satisfaction.  I was well trained and had no problems other than the blisters on my feet.  I was so happy to see so many friends finish in joy and had time to say a few words to some very special people.  Nestor another heavy guy and the nicest guy in the world finished with an impressive time, I was very happy for him, Alexandra who I declared an Ironman and told her I was proud of her at mile 12, I congratulated my friend and blog follower Antonio at mile 10 on his way to becoming an Ironman, and many others including my life long friend Tony who just kept running like a champion to an impressive 5+hour finish.  In all it was a wonderful day were all the hard work paid off.  I was happy and amazed at what I had just accomplished.  You learn every day and that day was no exception.  Our priorities will always change and as I said for many months, we all have our reasons. 

I accomplished a lot by doing this first part.  But the most important thing is that this event marked how my life has and will continue to change.  I look forward to the next event or crazy new idea.  After cancer you don't sit down waiting to die, that is not how it works but every time you need to make a decision it is on your mind.  I will give you an example.  It really mattered very little how fat I was.  I enjoyed eating with out control.  The reason I always gave was,  "If cancer did not kill me, being fat won't either" well as we all know that is pretty stupid.  This philosophy will probably be a good one for many things in my life but it has proved to be very wrong for many others.  I said and I knew this would change me.  I said I had a lot of anger I needed to work out.  Guess what, as I have learned it is probably not anger but being complacent about not doing anything expecting a rotten result because that is exactly what happened 19 years ago.  The ironic thing is that the result 19 years ago was not rotten at all.  I mean the situation was, having cancer does not get any worse, but the result was a pretty good one.  So, after very careful meditation and having accomplished something amazing I am ready to prove to all you and most importantly myself,  that indeed what I have set out to accomplish is in fact being accomplished.  How, very simple...........by just saying "I WAS WRONG".

To all the competitors of the inaugural Ironman San Juan 70.3  congratulations and my sincere hope that this beautiful event was as meaningful as it was for me, regardless of your particular reason.

March 18th 2011 Ironman 70.3

I have been thinking on what to put as my final words before I do the Half Ironman tomorrow in route to Ironman Canada.  I guess the answer is very simple.  It has all been said.  As you will all know by now tomorrow is realy the begining of my life.  A new life that celebrates beating cancer and a life that starts probably as it will sometime end.........with a BIG BANG.  All my reasons are just very present.  I am still very nervous but I know when that gun shoot goes I will do the best I have and I am willing to leave evry breath I have on a Puerto Rico street.  I will prove to my self that I can indeed do this and that life is a lot more than what I have been living the past 19 years.  I will go as hard as I can agaist this deadly deasese, but I will do it on my swim, my bike and my run, that my friends is all I can do.  As I get to finish lime I will remember thoose close to me that did not make it  but I will cherish thoose that are there to see it.  I have been sorounded by many wonderfull people including my team mates and my coach.  However there are 3 I am especially greatfull to have in my life.  Julissa, Gby and Jochi I love you with all my heart and soul and this is to show you the very thing that will carry you in life.  NOTHING IS IMPOSIBLE ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS WORK HARD AND BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!!!!!!!

WInter, you are an amazing kid.  You are not only a hero to most but a n example of how one can significantly be the difrence we always talk about.  Some day you will have your place among the great philantropist of the modern era.  I trust every day that cancer will one day have a simple cure thanks to your contribution.  It is the biggest honor to be racing for your team tomorrow!!!!!

My friends there is only one last thing to say..........See you at the finish line!!!!!!!!!!!!!

March 7, 2011 Just support us, even if you don't understand.

This will probably be more of a public service than anything else or I will probably end up with a few enemies, but most likely I will probably change at least one mind.  I had a brief conversation with another fellow athlete this Saturday as we were on our way for our swim.  He trains with another group, but they were at the same park doing their thing.  I won't mention his name but he reads my blog often and every time I see him we talk a little bit about it.  I appreciate very much his support and I also know his wife reads this also. His comments were by no means specific but I knew what he was telling me and it had something to do with how family understands or lacks understanding for what we do or are attempting to do.  I meditated on our brief conversation and how hard it becomes at times to love your family and attend to them while at the same time train for something as demanding as the Ironman.  THAT IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!

We are packages, yes packages, we are all (as Forest Gump Mama would say) one big box of chocolates and you never know what you are going to get.  We all have good and bad, that is why you associate with people of the same interest in the first place.  Sometimes you associate with the wrong kind and that my friends is why divorce laweres make such a good living.  We just make it a little bit more interesting.  We can't just simply divorce because we are different in so many ways we can't live together, no, no, no, we need to bring in the artillery and fire at will.  I can't talk much about divorce I've never lived one but I've seen my share of friends go thru it and it is always the other one's fault.  Every one has a story, and it is impossible to address each situation but let me just say this.  Lets just pretend for a moment that your wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend, or whoever gets diagnosed with cancer.  If you don't now what that is like well I suggest you read this blog from the beginning so you can get the picture.  But anyway, you need to know that that day is the day your life changes, for some temporarily and for others permanently.  1-If you want your kids to have time with daddy, guess what...... 2-If you what to have time with your wife to go to dinner and have some wine, guess what..... 3- if you need your hubby to fix the leaking faucet, guess what.........  4- What about the concert? can you take me to the concert? guess what........  5-We never talk anymore, guess what........... 6- He/she used to take the kids to school every morning, guess what............ 7- We use to have dinner and party with friends all the time, guess what.......... 8- I can't do this or that alone, guess what............ and 9- finally our life has changed and I don't like this life, guess what...........

Here are the answers:
1-  Daddy or Mommy are too busy throwing up, feeling badly, diarrhea, heartburn, loss of hair, pain, dehydration, nausea, and my favorite, total weakness.
2- Sorry, you need to eat 5 feet from the toilet and anything you eat is very likely to see light again, wine, yeah right!!!!
3- Leaking faucet, sure honey, as soon I gain control of my reflexes, have the srength to get out of bed and can actually put my mind to it I will fix it.  In the mean while how about you put a bucket underneath the leak!!!  BTW buy a nice bucket, it will be there for a while.
4- Sure, I will carry a dump bucket like the boxers just in case I need to trhow up, and depend diapers just in case.  I will enjoy the Choliseo food that I will trow up later, the noise and the beer that will most likely taste like urine from the men's and women's restroom combined.
5- Is there anything else to say?
6-  Sorry I am too busy tryng to figure out how to get up so I can go to get my chemo treatment.
7-  Shall I say more.  Friends, by now you only have a very select few!!!
8- Better get used to it.
9-  There is always divorce court!!!!!

Granted it is a little dramatic but in all intended purposes very true.  The point is that sometimes you are better off supporting than you are understanding.  Is it tough, sure it is.  I takes special people to endure things like that as so it is an Ironman training.  But guess what the good part is.  If you survive cancer after going thru all that you will probably survive anything or just about.  See, your kids will know sooner or later what happened and why things were that way back then.  Your wife/husband, girlfriend/boyfriend will have with luck and Gods grace, time to heal and become even stronger as a couple or as two individuals that share common interests.  Granted people change after treatment but it is only to be expected after something like that, don't you think.  Maybe you like the new person better or worse but the bond will still remain.

By the way, one question I have.  If you go thru this with your significant other, does this means you need to get something in return after it is over?  I don't think in good conscious anyone would answer yes to that question.  But just in case you do answer yes, I think you are absolutely right in that you should be rewarded in the same matter for all your sacrifice while living with someone with cancer.  I truly do, you should get every thing back no less no more.  Would a little tumor be sufficient?????????  Exactly, I didn't think so!  See, expecting a reward of any kind is just not understanding what you have done, even if it is a good thing.  Trust me nothing in the world would ever compensate what Julissa did for me whaen I was sick, and maybe in a simplistic way of putting it, the only way to return that favor is by doing the same for her.  I pray to God every day to please spare all my family and for that matter evryone from ever needing that kind of support either from me or anyone.  So you see it is all about gratitude and the satisfaction of not only giving it but also recieving it!!!!

See cancer is only understood by those ones having to go thru the treatment and of course that includes their families, but the actual person is the one that will truly understand what it is like to go thru that treatment.  the rest can sympathize and only imagine.  Every one has a different reason to compete in an Ironman competition.  Some do it for their athletic ability, some to prove something to themselves, some do it to prove something to someone else, some do it to inspire, others to try and send a message, and other just to make sure they are not in the hole yet.  Hey some do it to get away from their spouses but yet some do it searching for a spouse.  There are probably a million reasons why, none would ever be understood by another person unless you can identify with that particular reason or cause.  Mine, simple, take your pick, raise some money for cancer research, actually bring my family in closer, spend time with my kids, show my kids that you can do anything you put your mind and heart to do, loose weight and get in shape, win a bet, get off blood pressure controlling pills, make new friends, do something amazing, revenge to Jochi for picking a sport that has to wake up a 4:00AM every morning and many others that will come with time.

To finalize I have news to all.  You can indeed make your relationship a stronger one with your family while training for an Ironman but as the saying goes "it takes two to make it right".  Here is a piece of advice, Next time your significant other wakes up at 4:00AM to go train, find out where they are training.  Fill a bottle of cold water and if you have kids wake them up.  Take that bottle to him/her so that you are there when he/she is done with training.  You don't have to say a word.  Let something as simple as a bottle of water do the talking.  Take a step back look inside and just support us, even if you don't understand.  The Ironman is an amazing personal accomplishment and guess what........you are an integral part of it!!!!

March 2, 2011 Even the bad in your life can lead to the good or maybe the great!

There aren't many good things about cancer.  Not many at all.  As a matter of fact I can not identify probably 5 of them but if you look deep inside you might find one or two.  I am probably who I am today because of who has been my guardian angel most of my life, Julissa.  There will be very few people you will know that have her qualities as a friend, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a professional, or even one of those persons you just know.  As humans we tend to always try to find firm footing in everything you do even as sometimes you end up standing in quicksand.  Firm footing, anybody can do that, but my friends when you end up in quicksand all you pray for is a helping hand.  Some one to help you, to love you, to respect you, and someone to be part of your team and you part of their team.  Julissa has been that part for me.  See everything was bad, there was not a single thing good during my treatment no future no hope.  Except.....  yes that very thing, my companion and my soul mate Julissa.  She stuck thru it all, the good, the bad and the ugly, asking for nothing in exchange and just being who she really is.  I have thru all my blogs talked about the Ironman and what it means and how you get there.  It becomes very simple and very obvious.  The Ironman is a test of life, not endurance, not will power and not even straight, it is indeed a test of life.  Enduring the training, having the mental attitude to tolerate the abuse, isolating those friends and family, and by placing your training above any other thing in the world, basically you isolate your life to do something for yourself hoping that in the end your "friends and Family" will be there after it is over.  So you can summarize it in even simpler words.  You need Passion, love, and determination to be involved in something like this, those are the qualities that summarize the true Ironman, not the one finishing the race but the one enduring the race, in my case her name is Julissa!!!!

Is this relevant sure it is, I always said I would use my life experience to describe my journey to Ironman Canada and this is no exception.  If it wasn't for my cancer who knows what would have happened.  I can't tell but the posibility of Julissa and me never marrying and so on and so forth is one of the scenarios.  I mean we did not mary because of my cancer but sure learned from each other and grew tighter because of it and that by itself is pretty powerful.  So you see even the bad can bring something good.  How is that relevant? well here is a shocker for you or at least for me. 

As I was doing my last checks on the bike I will ride to the Ironman I found a problem and a solved a mystery.  I was always saying that for some reason my road bike was faster than my tri bike.  You should see my road bike.  It is hideous.  My tri bike is Full Carbon and its components are the best out in the market but for some reason it never felt right.  I always noticed a few things about it.  One being It always took a little more effort to ride that bike than the Road bike and again the road bike always felt faster but the clock always said it was not.  Another curious thing is that I always felt that when I was riding the front fork was off center to one side.  I wrestled with this in the beginning months but after not finding anything I just blamed it on my bad eye and rode away.  As I was doing my inspections I inspected the rear wheel hub.  Surprise!!!!!  Busted bearings.  Wow!!  I took the assembly apart and found one bearing was busted and the other one was in good shape.  It bothered me that that bearing had failed but what was I going to do it could have been a series of things.  As I am assembling the tire back on the bike I install the axle but the tire was turned to one side.  No big deal just redo the quick release and done, right.......very wrong.  As I am placing my wheel back I am sure it is in the right position and right there before my eyes was the answer to all mysteries.  The back tire is turned to one side, and it is quite a bit.  After scratching my head for hours I decided to go ahead and repair it using the same "dremmell" I used when it was new to prepare the holes.  It took almost 3/8 of an inch to fix the problem.  Incredible.  I now have a straight and tru tire.  The crooked tire was making the bike slope as it traveled down the road that is why it felt and looked off center.  I never saw it on an uneven tire wear because I was always riding on slick tires which have no marks and since the tire never rubbed anything I never noticed it was turned.  I have done some rough calculations and I am figuring probably 2 -3 miles per hour faster at the same power input which means less effort for the same speed or more speed for less effort you take your pick.  If we take more speed for the same effort at 2 MPH, it means I will travel 7 more miles in the same amount of time if that holds true that means I will do my bike ride 23 minutes faster for the same effort.  That is a lot.  I am glad I found that out today that is for sure.  I can not wait to test my bike with a straight rear tire but in the mean time I can only think of the effort I have put into my cycling and how all that training will at race day work in my benefit.  So, as you can see my friends my title will most likely always hold truth, and "Even the bad in your life can lead to the good or maybe the great"