What will happen tomorrow? What are the results? Is it still there? Will it be back? What if it happens again now? How real are these questions? Very real! So real in fact they remain in your life, for the rest of your life. Not many people will ever understand the passion that is accrued when you have cancer and most important, when you survive it. Passion will in many instances cause a lot of problems especially with people that do not quite understand it or have no passion at all for any thing. Well, when you have a second chance at life my friends, you become passionate about everything you do. See, as I have said before, lets say on a Monday ( which it actually was) you wake up full of life and hope. It is a beautifull day and the streets are full of people, coming and going to work or school. In my case I needed to go settle some matters of my apartment at the rental office. High Street, at the corner of E 16th, there was, like on every other corner, a wheel chair ramp. 16th was busy most of the time. I mean hundreds of people will cross High Street at 16th to go into the OSU campus. There was a big Pizzeria in one corner, the book store in the opposite and Kinko's next to the pizzeria. The other sidewalk was all OSU campus and to the front was the architectural building. Kinko's, if you went to school in my era you were a regular at your local Kinko's. 16th was also a mayor artery to the fraternity houses and other off campus apartments. 16th is in the middle of everything including when you wanted to cross the street from west to east you did that most likely at 16th. I have passed thru this street on my bike probably thousands of times during the years at OSU as do hundreds of other cyclists every day. On a good day I would probably take this ramp 4 times and on a bad one at least 2. As we say, my bike new the way, it was instinctive. As I am ridding that morning I approach 16th as I always did. I was on the road but it was time to get on the side walk and navigate thru the people crossing the street. As I did thousands of times I aimed for the ramp and looked ahead to avoid any pedestrians. One second later........."I was on my ass" instead of on my bike. It was busy at that time so lots of people saw what happened but not many offered help. I guess that is what students do. A couple of "are you alright" but no one stooped to attend to me. It was not necessary either I mean I was on my ass but I was fine. Not even scratched. As I sit there trying to compose my self, I started to wonder what the hell happened. I mean there was no way I missed that ramp. No way on earth I have been doing this for years!!!!! As I get up and pick up my bike, I start noticing that I can not focus very well. I felt fine but as I started to fix bent parts on my bike I continuously rub on my right eye. A few seconds later I feel just how sore my eye is and I become aware that I have been rubbing my eye for a long time now without noticing it. I am now aware of my eye but as I could still not focus I decide to cover my left eye and see what is going on. Well as it turned out it was history in the making. I had a gray, perfectly round, dark spot in my right eye that was exactly in the middle of my vision field. OHOH!!!! I am screwed and that is why I fell. I did not see the curb and I was focusing out of my left eye on a right turn. So there it is.......................right there on the corner of High Street, and E16th (south side) my life changed from that very second on. Everything was placed on hold. Moving out of my old apartment, settling in my new one, the contract issue, job interviews, additional classes, room mate search etc. etc. etc. I later learned as you know that there was more than that, meaning, dreams, future plans, ambitions, and most important LIFE itself!!!! Yes my friends it took only a few seconds, I bet not even a minute to discover what turned out to be cancer. Cancer yes, but not cancer the disease but rather Cancer the life changing journey!!! It takes a lot of self discipline to not be mad about it all the time especially when others among you will never ever understand or at least you feel that way. It's like an elite and secret club, you know it exists but never know the inside of it unless you are actually a member. In this case trust me you don't want to be a member and I pray to God every night that he finds that way of eliminating it from our lives. To be truthfull I always get an answer from him, and it is always the same, BALANCE (see previous post).
I have and will continue to be labeled in different ways, some good and some bad. My good will always be very good and my bad will probably always be very bad. Us survivors, we kind of know this and we understand it, but at the same time we can not control it. The reason.......very simple, "we just think we will die tomorrow, every single day". Maybe we are wrong, God willing, but maybe we are right and I guess when the time comes we will all find out. The thing is, that even as it sounds like something a person could solve easily, the truth is that it is not as simple. Well, why not? I mean there are many other cancer survivors that are not like that, and there are many others that have long term hope. You might even think, "but you are not sick anymore it was over years ago, and doctors and stats say you wont get again". All true, very true. I wish every day I could use my passion selectively for everything productive I do and not use it destructively when the issue is not productive. I find it very difficult, just because it is who I became, and it is who I am. Many of you might say "bullshit" that is just an excuse and a hiding place. Maybe you are 100% correct and maybe you are 100% wrong, in the end you choose what you want to believe as you pass judgement over my actions and convince your self that your judgement will never matter, as long as you don't contribute to helping me become a better a person. However, in a passionate way I will ask of you, not to judge me for my passion but rather for the end result of my actions, please forgive my passion but please understand my intent and finally, do not accept my apology because it is handed to you, but because you truly understand that someday passion might be the only way you could stay alive!!!!
I won't talk about my training or my ever growing fears today. After the above paragraph, which I had no idea I would write like that today or ever for that matter. I am pretty drained. It was a huge step. I think it was prompted by two distinct events. The first involved a good old friend who after knowing him practically all my life we are know training together and he wrote yesterday thru a text message "Sigo pendando como voy a nadar 2.4 rodar 112 y correr 26! No entiendo. No hay que ir a la iglesia o rezarle algun santo" "No se. Kennethe me dijo que le dejara eso a el, no se si va a buscarme una camilla con ruedas o un carrito de golf" Now, it may be logical but this guy is very fit and in shape so just imagine what I am thinking...... The second was Julissa who sent me a video I will share with you saying it reminded her of me. As I saw it...., I saw myself obviously not in riding but in life itself!!!! Please enjoy them both. For now....so long!!!!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Jan. 10 2011 When it all becomes real!!
I hope all of you following had a wonderful celebration and may the new year bring you all the happiness in the world. For me it is the start of something beyond myself. It is the year I do something for someone. It is the year I finally make my peace with cancer and my whole experience. It is the year I will attempt to do something amazing along side amazing people of all ages and beliefs. But most important it is the year I give out my most robust testimony that God is there and is always watching over us. I could not be happier.
It is all becoming very real now. It is not next August anymore or even next year. It is here, this August, this year. I just completed my registration with Athletes for a Cure for the 2011 Canada Ironman. It is now as real as it will get. In my first race ever I will be racing with a group of remarkable people that take their time and effort to help other in need. Others like I once was!!! That is pretty powerful. I am very nervous about the whole deal but I continue to trust my training, determination and my coach who has proven me wrong constantly. Yesterday I was disgusted with my training in the morning. We went as scheduled on our long ride along the hills of Aguas Buenas. Now, these were not the same hills as before. They were much longer and steeper. To make a long story short I just could not finish the climb. In my sorry, excuse filled world, I convinced my self that those hills wee above my riding ability and physical capacity. I am also convinced that I an very wrong but what is done is done. I took on the "broom" at about 1:30 and stoped riding. I followed as Jochi and Gabi were still riding and supported the team with water and mechanical if needed, but I was truly embarrassed about it. I failed, I truly did fail. My mind won yesterday. Not that the whole thing is a bad one as I will overcome it and I will climb that hill sooner or later. You all better believe that. I was so disgusted with my self that I took on a second training session on the afternoon and went out riding again and planned to do my brick session as planned for the morning. I took the flat rout in the afternoon since even as bad as I did in the morning I did do some climbing. I went out and rode it hard, as if I needed to prove something. I was riding at great speeds and I was doing super times but I was never contempt in my ride as I was there because I failed in the morning. As I finished my ride I went out for my brick. Then.... well lets just say God acts in mysterious ways. 1 mile....10minutes 10 seconds..... No way. I think my watch must be broken or something. I have never ever ran a 10:10 mile before. This one was off the bike. I was in shock. My graph looks very good as it should look with a steady pace and heart rate at a gradual but steady climb up hill. WOW!!!!! As I was done, I must admit I became happy and appreciative. I was happy because I can see what I am now capable of doing and contempt with my coach. I felt I let him down in the morning but I think I made up for it in the afternoon. I also realized that my insecurities will probably be my own enemy and that I will have to get over them in order to get on with it. I need to get some attitude going in my favor and need to get with the pain program to get better. I need to refocus mentally. I am the only one able to do that.
As I progress events start to pile up. I will be doing a 10 miler on Saturday, a half marathon in February, and a 1 mile, 40 mile, 10 mile triathlon also in February. These are all big boy events and I am right in them. Till a couple of months ago and even today I would not even dream of finishing anyone of these events I am all signed up for. I have no idea what to expect but I am confident Coach K knows where I should be and he will let me know how I am doing. I am numb at this point, I am doing almost every thing I am supposed to be doing and I feel great. I need to continue to work on my run and I am sure that finishing the up and coming events will boost my confidence to new levels which I will greatly need.
It is 2011. January 10th to be exact, It is when it all becomes real!!!!!
It is all becoming very real now. It is not next August anymore or even next year. It is here, this August, this year. I just completed my registration with Athletes for a Cure for the 2011 Canada Ironman. It is now as real as it will get. In my first race ever I will be racing with a group of remarkable people that take their time and effort to help other in need. Others like I once was!!! That is pretty powerful. I am very nervous about the whole deal but I continue to trust my training, determination and my coach who has proven me wrong constantly. Yesterday I was disgusted with my training in the morning. We went as scheduled on our long ride along the hills of Aguas Buenas. Now, these were not the same hills as before. They were much longer and steeper. To make a long story short I just could not finish the climb. In my sorry, excuse filled world, I convinced my self that those hills wee above my riding ability and physical capacity. I am also convinced that I an very wrong but what is done is done. I took on the "broom" at about 1:30 and stoped riding. I followed as Jochi and Gabi were still riding and supported the team with water and mechanical if needed, but I was truly embarrassed about it. I failed, I truly did fail. My mind won yesterday. Not that the whole thing is a bad one as I will overcome it and I will climb that hill sooner or later. You all better believe that. I was so disgusted with my self that I took on a second training session on the afternoon and went out riding again and planned to do my brick session as planned for the morning. I took the flat rout in the afternoon since even as bad as I did in the morning I did do some climbing. I went out and rode it hard, as if I needed to prove something. I was riding at great speeds and I was doing super times but I was never contempt in my ride as I was there because I failed in the morning. As I finished my ride I went out for my brick. Then.... well lets just say God acts in mysterious ways. 1 mile....10minutes 10 seconds..... No way. I think my watch must be broken or something. I have never ever ran a 10:10 mile before. This one was off the bike. I was in shock. My graph looks very good as it should look with a steady pace and heart rate at a gradual but steady climb up hill. WOW!!!!! As I was done, I must admit I became happy and appreciative. I was happy because I can see what I am now capable of doing and contempt with my coach. I felt I let him down in the morning but I think I made up for it in the afternoon. I also realized that my insecurities will probably be my own enemy and that I will have to get over them in order to get on with it. I need to get some attitude going in my favor and need to get with the pain program to get better. I need to refocus mentally. I am the only one able to do that.
As I progress events start to pile up. I will be doing a 10 miler on Saturday, a half marathon in February, and a 1 mile, 40 mile, 10 mile triathlon also in February. These are all big boy events and I am right in them. Till a couple of months ago and even today I would not even dream of finishing anyone of these events I am all signed up for. I have no idea what to expect but I am confident Coach K knows where I should be and he will let me know how I am doing. I am numb at this point, I am doing almost every thing I am supposed to be doing and I feel great. I need to continue to work on my run and I am sure that finishing the up and coming events will boost my confidence to new levels which I will greatly need.
It is 2011. January 10th to be exact, It is when it all becomes real!!!!!
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