June 26,2011 You fall down.....We get up and keep fighting!!!!!

It was about August or September 1992.  By then I was about 10 months into treatment with chemotherapy and radiation.  I have just finished my radiation treatment and was starting to heal from the radiation burn.  It was that time again.  Yep...... time for more chemo.  It was like walking on death row.....for the second time.  It was like they tortured you for 10 months only to let you rest and recover so they can torture you a little more.  By this time I've had a couple of trips back home and even my hair was growing back.  I've had about 3 weeks off treatment and I was starting to feel like myself again. So......There was no way I was going to go into that clinic again!!!!!!PERIOD.  For 10 months I pushed and I endured all the pain and mischief.....no more.  After all my Scans said my tumor had disappeared long time ago so what was the use of more suffering?

I was hard on my mom too.  I woke up that day decided I was ending it with Dr. B.  I was DONE.  Physically I was fine but emotionally I was done.  Same as my last post.  See every struggle has its ups and downs.  Managing all aspects of your life plus the training and the Ironman itself is as I am finding out very tough.  My decision was based on economics.  It was pretty simple actually, either I compete or Jochi competes but it was hard to do them both especially since I was waiting on Jochi's sponsors for more than 6 months now.  I was devastated but I was also very peacefull.  I knew in my heart I was not quiting I was just postponing, and my reason was meritory.  My son's future!!  I had no problem with that.

That day I walked into the clinic and as every day I signed up at the reception.  Since everyone knew me by then, they gave me immediate access to "my office".  For those new reading My Office was a reclining chair that sat on the corner of the room by a window.  It was the chair I would sit every day to take my chemo.  It had more space than the others and was pretty much alone in the corner which was what I wanted.  Since it was out of the way my mom could also be there all the time and we had space for my other needs.  It was just my spot.  Everyone knew about it and the nurses actually did not allow any other patient to sit there.  I never waited in the waiting room but I never asked to be jumped either, I would just walk in and tell the nurses I would be in "my office".  They would come and do their thing when it was my turn.  However not that day.  I demanded to speak to Dr. B.  So I sat on the waiting room as I was on an obvious no talking situation with my mom who was very nervous.  I finally got in and sat in front of Dr. B.  "Dr. B I have decided that I do not want anymore chemo.  I feel that I am cured so please give a release to sign so I can go home".  He sat there for a moment.  I was ready for the fight, I mean I had rehearsed every possible argument he had and I was determined as ever to prevail on my conviction.  Trust me when I get in that mode it is almost impossible to change my mind.  Dr. B calmly as ever said, "Well Alberto I am sorry to hear that after all you have gone thru.  You have done very well but I can not force you to take the chemo".  It still amazes me to this day how much doubt those words planted on my mind.  So I asked " What do you think will happen if I stop now? "The tumor is gone, right?"  "What are the odds".  20 years later I still admire how that very moment Dr. B. instantaneously stooped being my Dr. and became my friend.  20 Years later I understand that as a Dr. he would have never said what he said with such certainty, but as a friend he had all the power in the world to make me go on.  What did he say, "most likely your tumor will grow back and you will die because it would be immune to the treatment we just gave you".  I was back in "my office" two minutes later asking to be jumped in line, ready for my chemo.

After my announcement I got a lot of comprehension and support from my team mates my coach and most certainly my family.  I was devastated.  However I continued to search for cheaper options and found hotels and transportation for 1/2 the original cost.  Better yet that very same day Jochi's sponsorship letter was in the mail as Julissa picked it up and all of the sudden Ironman Canada was a reality again.

It was certainly a hard blow but I was able to shake it off which was a blessing.  It was history repeating it self and life balancing itself out.  Life experience put me thru that dark moment and tough me once again that cancer is bad but it will also teach you along the way.  If you can fight to survive.

What happened June 6th changed me.  It made me think even deeper at my experience and kind of kicked me to get my ass in gear.  Was my message complete?  Did I get across?  Did I change anything?  Why do I pretend to accomplish something by the mere fact or accomplishment of getting passed a finish line?  I mean I have trained for 10 months and 2 to go.  Why does my message need to wait to the finish line?  Why not now, why not accomplish something today and celebrate on August 28th?  Why not???

I said from the start that this would change my life.  So here is proof.  I am placing 3 pictures in this post.  1 of those pictures has never been seen by anyone except my immediate family and my coach.  For those of you who need to ask the question the answer is, yes.  That is me in all three and yes that is me while undergoing chemotherapy treatment for a Rabdomiosarcoma of the right orbit.  Or in simpler words CANCER.  The other two pictures are of me before getting sick and a today picture while training for the Ironman.  When I look at these I see three very special times in my life.  All defined by the same feeling, being alive!!!!!!!!

My friends, I am training as hard as I can for Ironman Canada.  I will under my own power  finish this race and give cancer a little kick in the nuts.  Winter is calling her new Bike a "Cancer Chasing Machine", my bike has her signature on it, and I have her friendship and love in my heart, that makes us a team.  So here we come with all our determination passion and power.  Nothing can put a stop to what is coming.  Winter is here to lead and I am here to make sure that if we fall..........We Get Up and Keep Fighting!!!!!!!!

June 6 2011. Unfortunately it is over!!!

I am in tears as I have to write this.  After all I have put my heart into into this adventure.  It comes a time when you have cancer where you realize you will never be the same.  No matter how well you feel or how good your life is there is always that doubt in your mind as if it is ever going to come back.  20 years ago Dr. B gave me a choice.  It was a hard choice but it was an easy decision.  He said "You can stay here with me and get cured, or you can leave but you will certainly die from this cancer".  Again, a hard choice but an easy decision.

Frankly it is the biggest disappointment I have felt in my life.  I am not disappointed for myself, I feel like I have done my training and my part but I can not get around the disappointment of not being able to race for those people that need me to.  The people with cancer and all those that will get it long after the race is over.  I have never quited anything in my life but maybe that is just another teaching I must learn.  Sometimes it is necessary to quit in order to achieve.

I can tell you that I am not hurt physically and thank God I am in perfect health and my family support is as strong as ever.  I have to make a choice and my choice I assure all of you that has no other option.  Trust me I have looked at all the options.

I am truly heart broken, sad and questioning "why" all over again.  But when I started this I said I had to leave my anger behind and face a new life.  I am not angry any more I am deeply disappointed and very, very sad.  I will talk to my kids and will try to explain to them I am not quiting but maybe postponing.  Cancer did not beat me back then and will not beat me this time either.  I just need to fight another day.

I never questioned Cancer and I wont question this either.  As I did 20 years ago I will accept what I need to do and move on as I did back then.

As heartbroken, disappointed and sad as I may be, I have no other choice but to withdraw from Ironman Canada.

I truly thank all of you for following this adventure and I hope I can indeed resume my quest to make a difference in the life of someone that needs a second chance like mine.

My love to all

Alberto

June 1st 2011 Ready......... Not yet

I finally got my computer back yesterday so I can now start writing again.  Well folks it is June 1st 2011, this day was supposed to be important.  Why?  When I first started I told Coach K that I wanted to be ready for the Ironman by June 1st so we had time in case we needed to twitch a couple of things here and there.  Well I am certainly not there yet.  But it is not because of the training or Coach K or me.  It just does not work that way.  I just did not know that back in August 2010.  My training needs to peak right before the event not 3 months before.  That is how it works.  For me that makes me nervous but to be honest after two half Ironmans especially the second one which I was confident the whole time, I can understand how it works.  So where exactly am I?  Well that has an answer too.  I would say I am 3/4 of the way there.  I could probably finish a 3/4 Ironman at this point and could with a BIG MAYBE finish a full Ironman followed by a prolonged visit to the hospital and a mental facility afterwards.  I am not there yet.

I continue my training as evryday more and more discipline is requiered.  As the training times become longer I need to remain focused.  By now my life revolves around the event.  I have made it a point of having my training completed by 7:30AM so I can be faithfull to my work and balance things out.  Social events are out and most of the time is spent with my family or sleeping and recovering.  I've come to understand how much support it is needed from the family and frankly I have come to apreciate the so called "bitching and nagging" wives of the Ironman.  This is hard on familly, no question about it.   When we adopted Jochi and Gabi someone gave us a very true advise.  You are not the only ones adopting, the whole family is!!!!  Very true.  So is the Ironman.  Today I disagree that this is an individual sport, the Ironman is a family sport because without their support there is no way you can get there.  So.........I once wrote to the significant others about supporting us, and today it is our turn.  Our families give us the time away from our minds and our precence so we can do this, so in turn lets make sure we make it count on the turn side.

So far I am only battling a swollen tendon on my left foot.  I am also still working on that Orlando blister but in all I am good.  I am getting stronger and in better shape but reality is slowly breaking in.  I have modified my run and will use the 12 weeks remaining to perfect my run and my plan which includes probably walking the second half of the marathon and a combination of running walking in the first half.  My time expectation remains the same.  16 hours, 59 minutes, and 59 seconds.  Not a second more.  I feel almost ready for the swim but I still need lots of miles on the bike and as you all know all the miles in the world will never get me ready to run a full marathon after all that. 


My weight is steady at 220 which is very bad.  I must say I am now addicted to chocolate cupcakes which I started using on the bike rides to get some sugar going.  They are begining to be a problem.  A 4 a day problem.  I must admit.  I am seriously stuck on that weight and as the training volume continues to increase it becomes more difficult to control my appetite.  I am not taking any pills or medication and frankly I dont want to but I am getting desperate.  Come next monday I have made a commitment to get off the cupcakes and get some structured help to loose the 40 pounds I need to loose before August 28th.  We will see what happens.

When you are on cancer treatment there is a turning point.  It is the point where you no longer see the bad but start looking forward to the future.  You can see the day where no more chemo or meddles and that you will actually make it out alive.  No more feeling funky and no more toilet hugging.  You begin to feel like yourself again and know in your heart that you will be OK.  20 years later and in a totally different setting I feel exactly the same as I did 3 months before I finished my treatment.  Actually as I have said, it will be exactly the same.  How?  Here is a story for you.  For 12 months I never got a blood transfusion which in those days was very good considering the diseases you could get from blood transfusions.  I took my last chemo treatment and it was truly devastating.  My blood counts were close to 0 across the board.  I could not even go to the bathroom under my own power.  When  Dr. B walked in he told me he knew how I felt but he was not about to give me a blood transfusion on my last treatment.  He told me to hang on and suck it up and once I started to feel better I would have been cured of cancer and would be a new man.  That is exactly how it went on and that is how the Ironman will go.  I am sure the race will take all of my strength and will to finish but when I do I would be a new man.  So you see history does repeat it self in many ways.  My reasons are still the same, however I am now a much different person than what I was 9 months ago.  I still despise the disease but I don't sit around anymore just watching how an apparent indestructible disease attacks with out mercy.  Today I can do something about it by racing and collecting money for research and to find a cure.  I should have done it long ago but as the saying goes it is never to late.  I am indeed racing for someone else, I am racing for someone who might just get the cure just in time to survive.  Maybe I will succeed and maybe I will fail, but in the end I tried and no one will ever take that away from me or the cause.  Here is to cancer.........I hate you and despise you, you have hurt many people but we are gaining ground against you and when we do find a way to kill you we will do it like a holocaust.  I might be insignificant on the overall picture but if it wasn't for me the picture would be smaller.  So look around you SOB because once I finish those 140.6 miles we would all be that much closer and you would be that much farther.